I want you to know

That I loved you from the first moment we talked. I was still hurting and a little scared, but I dared myself to keep talking. And then I dared myself to flirt just a little. And then I fucked up and accidentally revealed myself the way I do sometimes. Im not subtle and I wish I was. 
When you told me you liked my skin I was actually flattered. I laughed because I laugh when Im embarassed. I never mean to seem like I am making fun of you. Im just awkward. 
I want you to know that I really did think it was hilarious when you broke my bed. I wasnt mad and I have never thought you are an oaf. 

I want you to know that the fact you built mine for me when I was at work was one of the kindest things anyone ever did for me in my entire life, though I know that may seem crazy to you. 

I want you to know that I really do love how expressive your face is. I always know what you are thinking, even when you try and hide it. I notice every slight shift in expression because I am always watching you, even when you dont realize it. 

I want you to know that I love your jokes. Your puns, your laugh….I love your laugh the most, because it lights up your face in a way that is so wonderful, and it is one of the best sounds I can hear. 

I want you to know that your eyes are beautiful, so goddamned beautiful. The forest and the eart touched with rays of sunlight, and they shine when you smile and laugh. 

I want you to know that Terrapin was one of the best experiences of my life. It was wet and cold and I didnt care because I was with you. Id relive it with you a thousand times over. It was the best weekend of my life because it was our very first adventure together. 

I want you to know that I really do try and have patience. Sometimes my mind is so loud that it is like being at the center of an orchestra, every instrument defiantly playing its own tune. But you offer me some quiet, even if I seem not there. And when you kiss me, when you hold me, for some small amount of time my mind is silent and there is only you, the center of the universe, a star. You shine so brightly. You think you are the broken one, and you are not. You are whole, burning, alive.

I want you to know that Im just empty sometimes. I never told you because you struggle so much on your own. I talk so much about trust but I dont remember how, maybe I never did know. 

I want you to know that I didnt leave, or think. I did this compulsively and I lied because I was afraid. I was scared of what might be, and when I was less scared because I knew I could turn to you for support, that I trusted you enough that my first thought was to ask you to drive me to the hospital because I couldnt breathe…..that scared me even more. 
So I lied to you. I ran from you because I am a selfish, devouring jackal who has forgotten that others have feelings and that I am mad. I ran because the quiet, the comfort, the love you offer me is so intense that I am afraid of it. 
I want promises fron you wheb I should offer you love and patience. I want you but I left you because I am afraid that if I stay you will realize how awful I really am. I will really start trusting you and let you close and then you will leave. I tried to beat you to it, and all I did wad hurt us both. 

I dont have a right to ask for your forgiveness because I dont deserve or expect it. But I want you to know that it was never, ever about you. You are the sun, my love. But I was never worthy of someone like you. 

And I want you to know that I still love you. That I am just stupid and selfish and afraid to beg for you back because I already know the answer and its fair. If you realized just how stupid and selfish I really am, youd know youre better than that anyways. 
Im no better than she was. 


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